Last week late one evening I received a text message from a recent graduate. She wanted to know how to keep believing in the face of circumstances that seemed to speak to the futility of faith. I got up off of the couch, put my shoes back on and made my way over to Starbucks to join this fellow questioner. As we sat together over coffee we spoke candidly about the difficulty of believing in view of unanswered prayers, hoping in the midst of systemic injustice, forgiving while standing in the presence of someone who has not asked for it, and walking like Jesus when the steps you take seem so inconsequential. “How do I do it?” she asked.
I find it difficult to imagine sustaining a personal belief that would carry a person through such difficult questions. I’m not sure that we as human beings even possess the characteristics necessary to believe in things we can’t believe. I myself have passed through places along the way where I was aware that I didn’t believe anymore. I found myself in that place shortly after our fourth miscarriage. I remember turning to my husband and saying, “I don’t believe in this anymore.” The funny thing was that even though I knew that I didn’t believe …I still believed.
It was at that moment that I came to personally understand a foundational truth of the scriptures. Before Jesus leaves his disciples he says to them, “If you love me, you will obey what I command. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever- the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him for he lives with you and will be in you. I will not leave you as orphans: I will come to you.” (John 14:15-19).
In the moment that I couldn’t believe and yet still somehow found myself believing I began to realize that Christ had truly come to live within me. That the great gift that Christ had given me was not just that I would be with him eventually when I died but that here in my present living life he would not leave me orphaned but would come and be with me and in me. If this is true then even when I can’t believe I can still believe because Christ in me will believe for me and that is a gift.
This has been one of the most liberating truths in my life as a Christian. To understand that the goal of my Christian walk is not to be authentic to me but to be authentic to the Christ who dwells within me. This truth has set me free from the endless task of trying to get all of my emotions to line up with my faith. I recognize now that in any given situation the goal is not to be faithful to my capricious thoughts but to be faithful to the thoughts of Christ within me even when I can’t corral my own.
I have now developed this discipline in most areas of my life. In fact I have gotten in the habit of consulting Christ within me through much of my day. When I go to a worship service and I don’t love the music I simply ask Christ within me if he’s enjoying himself. Most often I hear him say, “I love this.” And so because I am seeking to be authentic to Christ within me I make the decision to love it too. When I find myself working with an individual who drives me a bit crazy I consult Christ within me about the individual. I have never heard anything else from him, but “I do love them.” And so I discipline myself to default to Christ in me rather than the capricious emotions of the Judy who tries to run my life.
Last weekend I drove to the Hedberg’s house in Homewood, Illinois. I went to spend some time with Peder, a North Park graduate who was in the final stages of his battle with cancer. On the drive down I must admit I was wrestling with God. So many had prayed so diligently for Peder and yet there had been so little good news following his diagnosis. I must admit I was, and in many ways still am, struggling with why so many good prayers go unanswered. As I was driving I simply asked the Christ within me, “Do you really believe in the resurrection?” The response from Christ within me was not condescending but it was clear, “Well Judy, since I was resurrected it is difficult for me not to believe in it.”
As I sat beside Peder’s bed last Saturday I practiced once again the discipline of being faithful to Christ within me, the Christ who does not doubt the resurrection because after three days God brought him out of the grave. This morning at 1:30am Peder went to be present with the Christ who has been within him. Peder now stands face to face with the one who never left him orphaned. And today when I find it difficult to believe I will once again practice the discipline of consulting the Christ within me who has never wavered in his belief that life always wins.
