Several weeks ago a student mentioned to me that they would like pre-marital counseling. Although I do not get status updates because I am not on Facebook I am generally pretty well informed on such issues and I paused because I was not aware that they were even dating anyone. The student soon clarified. They are not currently dating anyone however they want premarital counseling so that they can become a good spouse so that when one arrives they are ready.
I laughed initially, but the more I thought about it the more I realized that cultivating particular attitudes, postures, and relationship skills, prior to actually using them is the way it works the best. In fact believing that on your wedding day that you will suddenly receive all the skills and supernatural power to live with a spouse is simply silly, especially if you didn’t have any of the skills or supernatural power the day before.
Dallas Willard, author of the book Spirit of the Disciplines says this is actually true for the entire life of a follower of Jesus, “We cannot behave “on the spot” as Jesus did….if in the rest of our time we live as everybody else does. The “on the spot” episodes are not the place where we can, even by the grace of God, redirect unChristlike but ingrained tendencies of action toward sudden Christlikeness. Our efforts to take control at that moment will fail so uniformly and so ingloriously that the whole project of following Christ will appear ridiculous to the watching world.”
And so this morning I want to offer to you a bit of relationship advice about how to have a good fight so that when conflict arises in your relationship, as it does in every relationship, that you will have done a bit of preparation before the spot. 1. Don’t rally the troops to your side. 2. There can be no name calling or finger pointing. 3. Don’t say what can’t be unsaid. 4. Don’t argue when you’re tired. 5. Understand that there is no quick fix to a long term problem.6. Commit to staying and abstain from winning.
These are actually good rules for any good fight and perhaps if we as followers of Jesus would do some of this work before the spot when we are put on the spot in a conflict we wouldn’t do quite so much damage to the Bride of Christ, which is what Jesus calls the church and perhaps then the world would have a greater desire to join us in our holy union.
This past Monday morning I gathered with the Chapel Serving Team, a group of students who are currently serving this congregation and learning how to both lead and serve one in the future. This past week we talked about how to remain together when we feel like parting ways. Together we brainstormed a list of everything that divides the community of church and we wrote the list in green marker on a large white board.
The list included things like worship styles, political convictions, race, class, arguments over biblical interpretation, preference for small churches or mega churches, differences in theology and mission, attachment to strong opinions and personal preference. It was a lot of green and a lot of reasons, much of what seemed like legitimate reasons, to divide, to take a walk, to find another church, change denominations or break relationship with those on the other side of the argument.
We then wrote in blue the reasons why we might choose to stay together, to come back, to stick it out, and to remain in relationship with Christians with whom we disagree. Because we’re all God’s children. Because God loves the whole world. Because we’re called to love our enemies. Because staying together is the way the world will know that something miraculous has really happened among us. Because we humbly admit that we only see through a glass dimly. Because we’re One Body, One Family, One Bride and scripture says Jesus doesn’t divorce us and he only has one wife.
We decided that the blue is often considered the easy stuff. Love is considered Christianity light and only half the calories of the real food of the faith. Working together is considered weak and family is considered the fluffy stuff. The green is what is often considered the difficult work. Theological debate, interpretive issues, being right and defending one’s turf is where the real work resides. But I want to share something with you that I shared with our students on Monday. It’s not hard to be right…it’s hard to be together. Being right is easy compared to staying together with someone you think is wrong. Here’s to the good fight.
